Category Archives: Logos (λόγος)

理 is both far and near. The principle is both transcendent and immanent, and it is there to be followed and acted upon.

True worshipers worship God in the Spirit and in truth

I consider the question of why do we need to evangelize to be the same as asking why do I have to worship God on a daily basis?

Don’t many people come to church to worship so they can receive something from God? Such as blessing, or mental or spiritual comfort? But a true worshipper does not worship God because he expects to receive something from God. Worship is one of giving to God and not of receiving.

Worship is a time when you meet with God. It is a glorious time for the saved children of the Lord to be encountering the living God. We worship God because God has saved us. We were destined to die as sinners, but God has saved us. God came to this earth in form of a servant to save us. He’s done such a marvelous thing and made an unimaginable sacrifice for us that the *least* we could do is to respond to such love and grace with the utmost of our lives and hearts. John 4:23-24 reads, “Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

나는 왜 하나님께 예배 드리는가? 하나님을 예배할 이유가 무엇인가? 무엇 때문에 날마다 하나님을 경배하며 그 앞에 엎드려 예배를 드리는 건가? 라고 묻는 것과 같다고 봅니다.

많은 사람들이 축복을 받기 위해 정신적이고 영적인 위로를 받고자 사실 우리는 대부분 무엇인가를 받으려고 교회에 나오며 예배를 드리지는 않은지요? 그러나 우리가 무엇인가를 받으려고 교회에 나와 예배한다면 그것은 진정한 예배자가 아닙니다. 예배는 하나님께 드리는 것이지 받는 것이 아니기 때문입니다.

예배란 하나님과의 만남입니다. 살아계신 하나님과 구속 받은 주의 자녀들과의 영광스러운 만남의 시간입니다. 우리가 하나님께 예배드리는 목적은 하나님께서 우리를 구원해 주셨기 때문입니다. 우리는 죽을 수 밖에 없는 죄인인데 구원을 받았습니다. 하나님께서 종의 형체로 이 땅에 오셔서 우리를 구원하시는 엄청난 일을 이루셨기에 우리들은 그분에게 최상의 가치를 돌리면서 그 사랑과 은혜에 응답하는 것입니다. 그래서 요한복음 4장23절-24절에 “아버지께 참되게 예배하는 자들은 영과 진리로 예배할 때가 오나니 곧 이때라 아버지께서는 자기에게 이렇게 예배하는 자를 찾으시느니라. 하나님은 영이시니 예배하는 자가 영과 진리로 예배할지니라.” 라고 하십니다.

この質問は、「私はなぜ神様に礼拝をするのか? 神様を礼拝する理由は何か? 何のために毎日神様を敬拝し、その前に伏せて礼拝を捧げるのか?と尋ねるようなものだと思います。

多くの人が祝福を受けるために精神的で霊的な慰めを受けようと、実は私たちはほとんど何かを受けようと教会に出て礼拝をしていないのでしょうか? しかし、私たちが何かを受けようと教会に出て礼拝するなら、それは真の礼拝者ではありません。 礼拝は神様に捧げるものであって、受けるものではないからです。

礼拝とは神様との出会いです。 生きている神様と拘束された主の子供たちとの栄光な出会いの時間です。 私たちが神様に礼拝する目的は、神様が私たちを救ってくださったからです。 私たちは死ぬしかない罪人なのに救われました。 神様が鐘の形でこの地に来て私たちを救われる途方もないことを成し遂げられたので、私たちはその方に最上の価値を回しながらその愛と恩恵に答えるのです。 それでヨハネ福音書4章23節-24節に「父に本当に礼拝する者たちは霊と真理で礼拝する時が来るから、もうすぐこの時なので父は自分にこのように礼拝する者を探すのだ。 神様は霊であるから礼拝する者が霊と真理で礼拝するのだ」と言います。

Because God loved us while we were still sinners

Do you have the love of Jesus Christ? Are you a true worshipper? Can you say you are a true Christian? I ask these questions to myself who has lived in Japan for over 31 years (as of 2021), first as a student, then as a businessman, and now as a pastor and a missionary. Do I have the love of Christ? More precisely, I ask myself do I love the country of Japan, and its people with the love of Christ?

Even though I have received a lot of love and care from Japanese people, first as a student, then as a businessman, and then as a pastor, I could not reciprocate with a sincere love in Christ, because–I’m somewhat ashamed to admit this–of the painful history, and of the political issues that had caused misunderstanding, and thereby feeling socially ostracized as a Korean in Japan.

However, Romans 5:8 reads, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” I was having such a hard time, feeling so inadequate, I was about to quit the ministry in Japan when God made me realize the meaning of cherry blossom (日本國花). If you look up the old kanji character for sakura (櫻) it means ‘mother protecting a child.’ God is protecting Japan, and in His time, God will use the remnant.

“God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8

우리는 예수그리스도의 사랑이 있는지? 진정한 예배자 인지? 진실한 크리스천이라고 당당하게 말할 수 있는지요? 일본에서 유학생으로 , 사업가로, 교역자 선교사로 2021년 31년째을 맞이하며 자신에게 물어봅니다. 나는 예수그리스도의 사랑이 있는가? 더 정확하게 물어보면 나는 일본나라와 일본사람을 예수그리스도의 사랑으로 사랑하는가? 

일본에서의 유학생과 사업을 할 때와 사역자로서 많은 사랑을 일본사람들에게 받았지만 한국인으로 역사와 정치적 문제로 오해 받고 무시당하는 아픔도 있었기에 부끄럽지만 진심으로 예수그리스도의 사랑으로 사랑합니다 라고 말할 수 없었습니다. 

그러나 하나님께서는 “우리가 아직 죄인 되었을 때에 그리스도께서 우리를 위하여 죽으심으로 하나님께서 우리에 대한 자기의 사랑을 확증하셨느니라.” (로마서5장8절) 라고 말씀하십니다.

너무 힘들고 부족함을 느껴 일본선교를 포기하고 싶었을 때 하나님께서는 일본국화(日本國花) 벗 꽃의 의미를 깨닫게 하셨습니다. 사쿠라(櫻) 옛 한문을 찾아보면 ‘엄마가 아기를 보호하고 있는’ 뜻이 있습니다. 하나님께서 일본을 보호하고 계시며 하나님께서 하나님떼에 남은 자들을 사용하신다고 말씀하십니다. 

“우리가 아직 죄인 되었을 때에 그리스도께서 우리를 위하여 죽으심으로 하나님께서 우리에 대한 자기의 사랑을 확증하셨느니라.” (로마서5장8절)

私たちはイエス·キリストの愛があるのか? 本当の礼拝者なのか? 真実のクリスチャンだと堂々と言えるでしょうか? 日本で留学生として、ビジネスマンとして、交易者の宣教師として2021年31年目を迎え、自分に尋ねます。 私はイエス·キリストの愛があるのか? もっと正確に聞けば私は日本国と日本人をイエスキリストの愛で愛しているのか? 

日本での留学生と事業をする時と使役者として多くの愛を日本の人々に受けましたが、韓国人で歴史や政治的問題だと誤解され無視される痛みもあったので恥ずかしいですが、心からイエスキリストの愛で愛していますとは言えませんでした。 

しかし神様は「私たちがまだ罪人になった時にキリストが私たちのために死ぬことで神様が私たちに対する自分の愛を確証した。」(ローマ書5章8節)とおっしゃっています。

とても大変で不足を感じて日本宣教をあきらめたかった時、神様は日本菊の桜の意味を悟らせました。 桜の昔の漢文を探してみると、「お母さんが赤ちゃんを守っている」という意味があります。 神様が日本を保護していらっしゃるし、神様が神様の群れに残った者たちを使うとおっしゃっています。 

「私たちがまだ罪人になった時、キリストが私たちのために死ぬことで神様が私たちに対する自分の愛を確証したのだ。」(ローマ書5章8節)


A passing thought on the nature of universe

In the satirical novel Flatland by Abbott, we were introduced to sentient beings in a two dimensional world. If a three dimensional, henceforth 3D, being had put his three fingers at that plane, those 2D beings would only see three lines and they would seem like they are moving independently if we wiggled our fingers randomly, but they, if sentient, would also conclude that the lines also move together as if they were a group when we moved our hands smoothly. This is also why nothing can be made secret to a 4D being, because, for example, a 2D sentient being would believe that hiding something behind a closed line, say a square, is secure, while the content is completely exposed to a 3D being. Imagine being able to experience past, present, and future simultaneously, and all of your thoughts exposed as if by a super mind-reading computer. A 4D being (we already are one, in a way) would be just that.

The quantum computer utilizes the entanglement property of quantum mechanics. Once two or more qubits are entangled a change in one would cause a simultaneous change in the other regardless of distance between them. This is a mere property of quantum mechanics, which is directly observable and we are now utilizing for practical purposes. It’s also a mere property of nature, because nature exists at a higher dimension, although our own experience is limited to three dimensional plane and we have yet to discover more quantum entanglements in nature. (It’s everywhere, it’s just that we don’t know which ones to pair together. IMHO, it’s much more closely entangled with multitudes of things in nature.) There was a paper, a couple of years ago, that hinted at this in photosynthesis, but we have a long way to go before we can understand this beyond just with photons. Photons tend to be much more predictable (with a better understanding of quantum mechanics,) and easier to experiment with.

The observable universe is probably a good sign of higher dimensions.

First off, the source of gravitational force is based in 4D or at a higher dimension, and that’s probably why physicists are having such a hard time unifying it with the rest of the forces in the current model. String theories try, and the math seems to point to 11D or even higher, which is another way to say that the source of fundamental forces in nature is much more complex that we can ever hope to imagine. The hubris of Enlightenment ideals is like a 2D being, having recently discovered a truth about nature, boasting about being able determine an arc simply by measuring the distance to each points of the line its seeing in front of it. We only know a thimble worth of ocean full of vast knowledge that is still far beyond us.

Secondly, more discoveries through the latest telescope in our orbit basically reaffirms the view that space is infinitely larger than we had ever imagined. This seems to be congruent with the multidimensional nature of the universe. It’s just another way of saying that infinity at the outer edge of visible universe is exactly what you would expect if the universe is merely a part of a higher dimension. Likewise, this probably means that galaxies we are able to observe are merely a complex unit of higher dimension not-yet-named-thing, if the source of gravity could be enumerated as such.

What does this all point to in my mind? If the biblical account of creation is correct, with no mumbo-jumbo of Deism or Theistic Uniformitarianism, then without paying any homage to the anthropic principle, the universe was created by God for us, so that we can glorify Him and enjoy His presence forever. You are wonderfully and fearfully created by Him. Enjoy the view of the heavens, created specially for us.

Neo-pagans worship their identities

But followers of Jesus worship God.

We’re in the full swing of neo-paganism where people worship their identities. In summary, ancient pagans worshipped wood or stone-made idols, whereas in our days, we worship our identities. Alan Bloom had raised warning lights for the U.S. back in 1980s, when African American studies, and other ethnic studies started to launch in higher education establishments across the U.S. The one directly experienced by Bloom himself was done by brute force at Cornell, in line with the ethos that had to the collapse of German universities by National Socialists several decades earlier. Soon after, likes of Thomas Sowell left Cornell. The same force that threatened academic freedom has begotten many more children since those pioneering decades. Akin to what had happened in Germany in 1930s, the words like “trigger warnings,” “safe spaces,” and “micro-aggressions” are thrown around as if they have any legal legitimacy to shut up any intellectually honest opinions, and if their demands aren’t met, they resort to violence. Until recently, I had no idea how invasive this disease was.

I was shocked to find a couple of my daughters in their late teens strongly identifying themselves as Koreans, almost as a foreign (to me) identity against the mainstream white culture. It isn’t even a true Korean identity, but a misshapen one unique to the US that derogatorily looks down on other Asians who are more assimilated to the US culture as being “white-washed” ?! Anyway, I could not understand why and how they’ve developed such ill-conceived notions about their own identity, and I was lucky enough to help correct for one, but with the pervasive nature of identity politics that have integrated into the US education system, I should have seen this coming earlier. They are taught that it’s all about their identity (however they have defined it themselves) and you can freely rebel against whatever you like in the name of pursuing that identity. You can apply that to being an Asian American, an African American, a lesbian, a trans-sexual, or whatever else you’d like to identify as, and that is the most important thing in your life and nothing else matters. This is what’s being taught to our own children nowadays. A thorough paganization of soul. Add a sprinkle of narcissism already pervasive with this generation on the top of this cake, and it’s hard not to ponder on this sublimity.

The Cancer of Self-significance: Faux Spirtuality

One of the tales from Chaucer’s famous work is the tale of a Pardoner, who calls out to yorkels to come to him to purchase indulgences from him so that they could be absolved of sin. The sense of the spiritual superiority is not lost on him, and this fervor only grows to the height of his greed, thus the oft-repeated theme of the tale: radix malorum est cupiditas.

Although the innate need for self-significance seems as natural as hunger, I often find more signs of self-significance than Christ-significance among the leadership of the church. One salient example of this is often seen among Korean churches. To a certain extent, the why can be easily grasped, but it is often overlooked as a part of etiquette, probably to the dismay of the Head of the Church. It is often the wife of the pastor who typically sacrifice her adult years and beyond for the education and then leads into a lifetime of pastoral ministry. Her husband is the visible leadership, and wife is expected to take the assistive role to that ministry. If not in any active form, then a benign neutrality as a housekeeper. However, in the spiritual fervor of post-1970s revival in South Korea, the wife of a pastor lays claim to some spiritual power such as being able to read people’s mind, or see things that others can’t because God has gifted them with such abilities. Sometimes, they claim to have dreams which, for mysterious reason, becomes as authoritative as the Word of God, in a ministry setting. The pastor is often mute about this, however, such claim to spiritual power imbues his ministry with a veil of power that no lay member of the church can dare to challenge. Else they are immediately marked as being of the devil, and gradually casted out of the church. Unbeknownst to the believers, including the perpetuators themselves, the people being driven out are often people that are disliked by the pastor and his wife. This type of witch-hunting continues to this day in many of Korean and Korean American churches as far as I can tell.

The tradition of early morning prayer meeting, speaking in tongues, everyone praying out aloud all at the same time, and so on, are all marks of fervency of the spirit among Korean churches, however, it can also be a sign of faux religiosity that has no bearing on the true health of the church such as discipleship, biblical theology, evangelism, and so on. Rather, it probably masks more problems underneath that aren’t being addressed directly.

Why do so many K/KA churches allow this to continue? The cultural element of respecting authority is still very strong to the point where any challenge to the authority is seen as being of the devil. Divisiveness, although often warned by Paul, is strongly discouraged even at the cost of maintaining status quo that is toxic to the health of the church. Many problems remain unaddressed, unconfronted, and swept under the rug for the sake of the harmony of the church. The incompetence in leadership, and many failures at different levels are simply covered with the continued mediocrity of reluctant acceptance, labeled as being part of maturity, and verges on becoming a learned helplessness covered under the thin veil of positivism.

True, there is no perfect church, but false spirituality should not reign. The Word of God needs to be elucidated, and proclaimed in the walls of the church to weed out any darkness, especially that of the faux spirituality which clearly portends the lack of discipleship, and preaching of the transformative gospel grounded in the biblical theology.

Warning against anchoring on experiential faith

If Jesus solely promoted experiential faith and pushed for the type of anti-intellectualism the liberals have been cramming on for several decades now, Christianity would have disappeared by the Diocletianic persecution of early 4th century. Nothing Jesus taught, nor Paul, vectors to a conviction where spiritual experience becomes as important as the anchor of faith. Yes, all of the disciples, except Paul, had spent a lot of time walking, eating, and living with Jesus. And if experience is truly the anchor of faith, no one should have denied Jesus. Even in the OT, David’s delight was in the law of the Lord, not his subjective joy. Even the joy — an experience — itself is treated as a byproduct, but never as an end. If marriages were merely based only on emotional experiences, all marriages should result in divorces. Volition, a determined and directed effort, is what drives a human life. (Let me take a quick pause here to say that I’m usually more inclined to a holistic approach to human personhoold, and don’t subscribe to a strict Platonic tripartite theory, but since what sparked this seemed to be based on that theory, I have no choice but to stand near that level ground. If I can get around to it, I may write more about the holistic view of human personality, which I think is more biblical.)

Both Jesus and Paul emphasize the importance of faith and actions, rather than experience in the way we commonly understand it today. The prioritization of personal, subjective experience over belief, commitment, and proper behavior, seems to be found in the book of Acts when Paul asks Ephesians if they had received the Holy Spirit. However, in the context, the Holy Spirit isn’t treated like a medium of subjective experience like how it is often described today, but rather as a mere Person of Trinity. The subjectiveness comes at the point of baptism. Therefore, the passage should be understood as primarily an encounter with a Person of the Trinity, and byproduct of that encounter is a subjective experience. The experience is secondary, not primary. A bit of wider context here for the interpretative lense — which is the one I find an issue with — that may have been used. The commonly shared, historical experience of Korean (collective) church, albeit a short history, is one that is deeply grounded in spiritual experiences. But such emphasis in experience is not uncommon in Korean version of Buddhism, animism (aka shamanism), and even in Bible-based heretical groups. The emphasis on the subjective experiential aspect of faith seems to be deeply ingrained in Korean psyche, and in this context, it is not surprising that God would use such temperament to bring revival to the Korean church. Many Koreans who had lived through that era, including myself, were part of that collective experience and they make up a large portion of the Korean church today. We were blessed, or lucky, to have been a part of that spiritual wind. However, an encounter with the Spirit should not only result in a hyped experience, but it should be followed by the transformation of the total person, including the mind. This is exactly what we see after the Pentecost, and also what we saw with our own lives during that part of Korean history. Therefore, over-emphasis solely on the experiential aspect as THE anchor of faith is misleading. If the word experience is actually meant as an encounter, or at least imply an encounter, or the beginning of a relationship with God, such use of the word in that context should be fine. But again, without such explanation, the hearer is liable to hear it in a simpler meaning without a learned context. The experience is to be under the service of knowing God to the fullest. In simpler terms, when one encounters God, whether through the direct workings of the Spirit, or through the study of the Word, or through the sermon from the Word, our emotions (if healthy) should react appropriately as a response. Luther, Augustine, Wesley, C.S. Lewis, and so many effective Christians all had an emotional experience, but that was because they were diligent students of the Word, and came to encounter God Himself in the Word of God. Our churches today are depriving people of that with wrong messages.

This is why the anti-intellectualism is one of the biggest sources of the decay of the Church, because without a proper version of biblical literacy, instead of having people’s lives transformed and grow towards a mature faith, it’s easy to have people gather only to have a dopaminergic experience without any resulting growth. This is exactly what we’re seeing with the churches in Korea. Instead of mature Christians who are effective catalysts in the society, we see Christians cloistered inside the safety of church walls, self-satisfied with their tribal experiences and relationships. Vineyard movement, and countless experience-oriented heretical movements, all have people remain in a trance-like state where they feel like they are experiencing the Spirit of God, and feel like they have done something worthwhile, when their own lifestyle remains unchanged and completely unaffected. It’s a passive form of social hysteria. I’m not suggesting that the worship is unimportant, but there is a need for stern warning to be spoken against a version of Christianity that promotes only experiential aspect over intentional obedience to the Word of God.

Knowing that the speaker was educated at an elite, extremely liberal institution, he was exposed to the higher textual criticism which claims to be the most intellectual form of study you could do when it comes to a biblical scholarship, and he probably takes a pride in that. Unbeknownst to him, he seems to be blind to the fact that there is a form of hermeneutics that takes a humble approach to the Bible, where you literally try to stand under the Scripture to understand, not stand above the Scripture to impose your own or even the world’s horizon on the Word of God. But, again, it’s not his fault that he grew up in such and such location, and went to such and such school, resulting in such and such intellectual horizon which is marked by a form of sadistic self-hatred.

Experience, by its very nature, is a part of past. Churches do not need to induce some type of subjective emotional experiences to be revived. In this post-modern world, we need biblically literate churches that know the difference between God’s will and Satan’s schemes, and be able to defend their faith, and carry not only action but their words to the public squares. When there’s a talk of eugenics, homosexual (2SLBGTQIABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQ+) activism, malignant form of social justice, artificial intelligence, CRISPR gene editing, human cloning, Christians are mute, because churches have been working overtime to make the Bible irrelevant to the world outside of the church walls. BIBLE IS MEANT TO BE INTEGRATIVE TO OUR LIVES RIGHT NOW, not compartmentalized for some type of religious experience. Post-modernism brings fragmentation, and look where the society is now. True Christian faith brings coherence, based on the Word of God. As soon as you make the Bible irrelevant to the history of the universe, to the history of Earth, to the history of humanity, and to the history of nations, and to the history of individual, you no longer have a Christianity. It starts from the largest scope that the Bible touches on from the very beginning, and how could you make it relevant when the teacher of the Bible himself doesn’t have the faith to believe the word as it is presented. Coherence doesn’t come cheap. When did Jesus ever say that the world will embrace you for your faith? Don’t try to fit in so hard. Some try so hard to a point where the Word of God is mangled to be powerless, safe so that it requires practically no faith — it’s enough if you can come to church with it. The world is probably right to ridicule it, not because the Word of God is not credible, but people who teach it have mangled to a point where it is no longer the Word of God and they don’t believe it themselves. As soon as you compromise on one thing, you introduce noise that disrupts the whole framework, and it’s bifurcated from there. This is why we have too many apathetic, and impotent Christians who don’t even understand the basics of their own faith, and that’s sadly reflected in their lives. Leaders should not be quick to appease, and quick to pacify, rather face the lies inside (including one’s private ones) and outside manly. During a war, we don’t need more gardeners; we need more warriors who can also tend to gardens. I’m so weary of pastors still clinging to their personal experience back in Korea. Good for them, but let’s grow up for the Church. Let’s please understand the world as it is now, know the word of God inside and out, and think hard to look towards the future.

We had enough status quo. There’s no understanding. There is no knowledge of the Word of God. And instead of encouraging people to think on their feet (once grounded in the Word of God), the last thing we should be doing is to tell people not to use their minds that God has given them to use to the maximum. We are to love the Lord our God with all of our hearts, with all of our minds, and with all of our strengths. Don’t ever leave any part of that out, and say only one thing is needed. Most of partial truths are worse than lies, and this happens to be right at the vicinity.

The legacy of Norman Vincent Peale

This is just one aspect of many cultic teachings that he has taught… unfortunately, he was even endorsed by Billy Graham, and the evangelical churches in the U.S. has continued to uncritically accept his heretical teachings throughout 20th century. Below is a quote from TrueDiscipleship website (accessed on 2022-09-28):

In 1984 Norman Vincent Peale was interviewed on the Phil Donahue program and said, “It’s not necessary to be born again. You have your way to God; I have mine. I found eternal peace in a Shinto shrine …I’ve been to Shinto shrines, and God is everywhere:” Shocked by this, Phil Donahue responded, “But you’re a Christian minister; you’re supposed to tell me that Christ is the way and the truth and the life, aren’t you?” Peale replied, “Christ is one of the ways. God is everywhere.” (Christian News, May 12, 1997, 11.) Would anyone who holds to Christ being there Lord deny him in such a blatant manner? This is beyond question a horrible statement that rejects Christ’s Lordship.  Donahue was shocked and rightly so, but the church was not. He received no backlash or correction for this. Peale was a universalist, believing that everyone is going to heaven as long as they believe in god, any god. That is not a Christian position.

Go sell your family short

Only care about your own hurt

Only be responsible for your own life

Be careless about your responsibility to your family

And be careless to those who were once close to you

Do whatever feels right to your own eyes

Follow your own pleasures

Go sell your family short

Put others between yourself and your own family

Blame the family for alienating you

Keep lying about how family treated you

Only recall the negative and forget the rest

Keep believing there is nothing wrong you’ve done

Don’t listen to your father

Don’t listen to your mother

Keep wasting your life

Keep yoking with pigs

And keep doing what comes easier for you

Rather than taking up the highest responsibility

Rather than doing the more important thing even if it’s difficult

Rather than doing the right thing even when it hurts

You’ve decided to listen to the devil

And do the worse thing because it hurts,

Because you don’t understand, and because you are a fool

May the wind of dust blow through all your life

May the locusts eat away decades of your life

May only tears fill your eyes with no end in sight

You have brought it to yourself

Because you decided not to forgive

Because you decided not to let go

That’s the very definition of hell

And you’ve decided to go there yourself

It’s never too late to turn to the right path

Forgive, and you will be forgiven

Repent, and you will be received

후회되는 일 한가지

내가 일에 전념했던 사이 첫째가 중학생이되고 곧 있으면 아이들이 크고 떠나면 같이 보내는 시간이 없어질 것 같은 위기감을 느껴서 매주말마다 하나씩 돌아가면서 일대일로 같이 나가서 점심 식사를 시작했었다. 그런데 몇 주안가 아내가 매주 왜 돈낭비를 하냐며 질타하기 시작했고 나는 그 소리가 듣기 싫어 아이들과의 일대일로 만나 대화하며 식사하는 것을 그만두었다. 아내도 마음 한편으로는 자신과 같이 나가지 않고 아이들과 나갈려는 남편에 대해 언짢게 생각하는 것도 있겠다 싶지만 아이들과는 고등학교 다닐 동안의 4년의 시간만 있었던 것… 물론 친구들도 만나고 그런 시간이 많겠지만 중학교때 주말에 돌아가면서 아빠와의 대화시간을 마련했다면 지금처럼 아이들이 다른 사람들로 부터 더 영향을 많이 받는 딸들이 되지 않고 아빠에게서 부터 더 많은 것을 배웠던 아이들로 성장했었을텐데 한는 마음이 앞선다. 사춘기시기라기보다는 조금 늦은 감이 있고 다들 성인이 되면서 부모들이 공통적으로 느끼는 부분도 있겠지만 나름 결정하는 것이며 삶의 방향을 잡고 있는 아이들을 보며 아쉬운 마음이 더 들고 스스로에게 화가 나기까지 한다. 아무튼 이런 것을 미리 알았더라면 아내의 말을 듣지 않고 아이들과의 시간을 더 중요하게 생각하고 더 많은 대화를 했었을텐데… 마음이 아리고 아프지만 아이들을 키우는 이 시대는 더 많은 지혜가 요구되는 시대이다. 부모의 은혜도 모르는 사람은 아직 사람이 아니다.