에프킬라 맞은 모기처럼

에프킬라 때려 맞은 모기처럼 비실 비실거리며 기운빠지는 모습이 조금은 측은했다. 캐이는 일그러진 아픈 표정으로 마지막 대련에는 더 이상 참여하지 않을 표시를 나에게 했고 제르미는 나중에 알게 된 사실이지만 화장실에서 토하고 있어 마지막 한시간 동안 통 보이지 않았고 그나마 군대 생활 수십년의 경험이 있는 비게이 사범과 페리는 뚝심있게 버티고 있었고 나는 갑자기 나타난 봄 꽃가루 알르레기 증상이 나지막하게 갑자기 나타나는 바람에 숨이 차 헐떡 거리다가 끝 례에서 6초 간격으로 연달아 몇십번의 멈추지 않는 재채기를 유발하는 실례를 범했다. 그리 몸에 무리가 되게 하던 연무도 아니었는데 왜 다들 보통 때보다 유난히 더 맥빠지는 모습이었을까?

로스앤젤레스 중앙검도도장에서 40년 검도를 가르치신 시카이 마사시 사범이 방문하는 연무가 오늘 시작했다. 내가 10여년전 검도를 시작하고 나서 뉴멕시코에 3번째 방문하셔서 특별 연무를 통해 가르쳐 주시는 유일한 고단자 7단 검도 사범이다. 2006년 대만에서 열렸던 세계선수권검도대회에서 미국 검도팀의 코치로 역사상 딱 한번 일본검도팀을 이겨 미국팀을 우승으로 이끌었던 당사자이기도하다. 엘에이에 음식업계에서 종사하고 계셔서 한국친구들도 많아 기본적인 한국어와 한국 검도 용어에도 능숙하신 분이라 친근감이 더 가는 일본계 미국인이다. 전에 북쪽 타오스에서 특별 연무하고 나서 어느 검사(劍士)의 집에서 저녁을 같이 하며 젊었을때의 눈부신 활약을 들으며 부러워 했던적도 있었다. 이런 미국 검도세계의 大家가 이런 보잘 것 없이 작은 곳에 와 주시는 것은 사실 감사한 것이다. 10여년 연무하면서 이렇게 와서 가르쳐 주는 사범이 없었기 때문에 더 그렇다. 고령인데도 불구하고 마치 마흔의 젊은이처럼 바닥을 누비며 대련하는 것을 보면서 끝에서가서 숨을 헐떡대는 자신을 보며 부끄러워지기까지한다.

타오스는 여기보다 더 높은 산맥같은 곳. 거기서 3명 정도가 왔는데 전부터 안면이 있는 딕슨 사범하고 지금은 나보다 한참 고단자가 되어 버렸지만 (미혼에다가 여유가 많음) 친구같이 지내온 20대의 아론과 그리고 새로 보는 폴이란 50대 정도 되어 보이는 신참이 오셨다. 여기보다 더 고지라 폐활량이 더 많은 것은 알겠지만 아론 같은 경우는 실력이 검사가 많은 콜로라도의 대회에 참여해 일 이등 자리를 차지할 수 있는 능력있는 검사다. 맨 처음 아론을 만나 대련을 했었을때 기억이 생생하다. 잠깐 눈 깜빡하는 사이에 훅 들어와 머리를 치고 이미 옆을 지나가고 있었다. 물론 20대와 40대의 차이는 생각보다 크다. 그러나 보통 여기 4~5명 정도의 사람들과 매주 마다 하는 연무의 속도보다 매우 빠른 속도에 놀라게 된다. 그리고, 처음에 그런 것을 경험하게 되면 어떤 억울함 같은 것 까지 느끼게 된다. “내가 여태 무엇을 한것인가?” 가르치시는 사범님도 나이가 지극하고 그 다음 윗 선배도 관절 여기저기가 다 맛이 가고 있는 고령이 되어가는 상황에 고도의 연무를 기대하기는 힘든 현실. 여기 지역에서는 그 다음 등급에는 내가 있고 다음은 다들 초보자들이다. 외부에서 오는 이들과 대련하는 것은 쓰라릴 수 밖에 없는 현실을 다시 맛보는 것 뿐이다.

물론 대단한 인물이 오는 것에 대해 불안감 같은 것 때문에 심신이 편하지 않아 구토 현상도 보이고 몸이 보통때 처럼 말을 안들을수 있다. 그래서, 캐이나 제르미가 보였던 증상을 이해할 수 있을 것 같다. 나의 저질 체력도 바닥을 이렇게 빨리 들어내 보이는 것은 불쾌하지만 나이가 들어서 그런지 이제 사람들 앞에서는 무덤덤해 보인다. 속은 사실 조금은 뒤집혀진다. 가까운 친구라도 옆에 있으면 나의 어린 시절에 어떤 고초를 겪었는지 다시 상기시켜주며 잠깐 자기 연민에 다시 빠져있기라고 했으련만… 가까운 친구도 너무 멀리있다. 더군다나 자기 연민 같은 사치는 이제 즐길 수 있는 나이가 아니다. 오늘 이렇게 맥없는 모습이 나타났을 것을 미리 알았다면 몇 주전부터 고도의 훈련이라도 더해 준비를 할껄이라는 생각까지 든다. 한 때 매일 한시간씩 수영을 할때는 이보다는 났었는데… 매일 아침마다 뛰었을때는 이보다는 났었는데… 아무리 길게 했어도 단지 몇주만 하지 않으면 금방 초라하게 되는 이 놈의 허약 체질. 항상 준비하고 있지 않으면 바닥이 너무 빨리 드러나는 이 허약 체질. 몸도 이런데 우리의 영은 얼마나 더 바닥을 빨리 드러낼까?

그나마 매주 일주일에 두번 연무를 해서 간신히 고단자와 버티면서라도 대련을 할 정도의 실력이 되어 있다. 사실 일주일에 세번 연무가 기본인데 여기는 장소를 구하기 힘들어 사정상 두번만 만나 연무를 하고 있다. 보통 연무는 2시간. 일주일에 총 4시간. 아침에 큐티는 30분. 일주일에 총 3시간도 못된다. 가족과 성경읽기 20분. 일주일에 2시간 반. 큐티와 성경읽기를 합치면 많아야 6시간 정도이다. 대략 보통 타지에서 사회인 검도인이 기본 연무하는 시간이랑 비슷하다. 시간적 양의 투자로 따지기는 적절하지 않은 부분도 있지만 선수권대회에 참가하는 검사들이 연무에 투자하는 시간에 빗대면 대략 어떤 실력의 사람들이 나온다는 것을 대략 감할 수 있다. 마태복음 25:10b, “준비하였던 자들은 함께 혼인 잔치에 들어가고 문은 닫힌지라.” 잔치에 들어간 자들과 들어가지 못한 자들의 차이는 단지 정신적과 물질적 준비의 차이였다. 에베소서 5:16, “세월을 아끼라 때가 악하니라.” 때가 악하기 때문에 허송 세월을 지내기가 더 쉬워졌다. 정신차리라는 소리이다. 깨어있으라는 말씀이다. 디모데전서 4:8, “육체의 연단은 약간의 유익이 있으나 경건은 범사에 유익하니 금생과 내생에 약속이 있느니라.” 검도같은 운동은 심신을 단련하는데 유익이 있으나 할때 잠깐일뿐 말씀의 순종은 모든 것과 관련되어 유익하니 현제와 미래 모두의 해당되는 하나님의 약속의 은혜를 누릴수 있는 길이다.

예수님께서 말씀하셨던 핍박, 즉 디오클레티아누스의 핍박같은 것이 다시 우리에게 닺쳐오면 과연 기독교인으로서 우리는 목숨을 바쳐 예수님을 시인할 준비가 되어 있는가? 충무공 이순신 장군의 명언인 필사즉생행생즉사(必死則生幸生則死)는 사실 무사의 기본적인 태도을 반영한 것이다. 검도에서도 사신(捨身)이란 단어가 있다. 자신의 몸을 희생하며 던지듯 공격해야 한다는 뜻으로 고단자들이 숙지해야 하는 기본적인 정신적 태도와 기술을 말한다. 아무리 오랫동안 연무를 해도 바른 정신으로 하지 않으면 오는 공격에 방어 자세만 취하든지 점수 얻기 쉬운 공격기술에 의존하게 된다. 진정한 一本은 捨身精神이 모든 면에서 깃들여져 있는것이다. 즉 최고의 기술은 제일 단순하면서도 기본 정신을 제일 잘 나타내는 것이다. 기독교인은 하나님의 최고를 반영해 보여주어야 한다. 하나님의 道에 어울리게 사람들과의 기본적인 信도 두텁게 하며 세상 꾸정물 한 숫가락 더 퍼먹을려는 비겁한 모습을 보이는 것이 아니라 하나님의 나라와 그의 의를 위해 목숨을 다하는 모습을 보여줘야 할 것이다. 당신은 준비하고 있는가 아니면 핍박도 아닌 작은 바람이라도 불때 에프킬라 맞은 모기처럼 비실 비실 거리며 죽어갈 것인가? 연무하라. 지금부터. 매일같이.

True significance

In August of 2018, the Korea Institute for Health and Social Affairs (in Korean, “한국보건사회연구원“) had published a report stating that the Korean population will be halved by 2115. That’s about 100 years from now — like 3 or 4 generations of people by that time — but considering, comparatively speaking, the dismal number of Koreans in the world, that is rather sad state of affairs as a part Korean myself. As an expert demographist (his primary profession is as a medical doctor, btw), Hans Rosling, recently pointed out there will be many more Africans as the number of people living on the continent of Asia will decrease. (White, Europeans will remain nearly same over the same time period.) There is a little doubt that the Asian population decrease is being heavily contributed by Koreans themselves. It’s no surprise considering the fact that Koreans have achieved a reversal in the population growth rate at a pace much faster than that of Japan. The growth rate started to slow in early 1980s, so, as of 2019, it’s been 39 years — 9 years beyond a generational maturation age — a significant event that happened in a generation of time, albeit silently.

This has come to fruition in an epoch of time that is distinctly marked by the ascent of sleeping dragon, China. Back in December of 1996, the Koreans celebrated as a new member of OECD, and immediately after, the Asian financial crisis of 1997 slammed down on them hard. What they had gained as a type of worldly credence to stand shoulder to shoulder with the world’s economic powerhouses, they had to pay it by yielding their own control of financial infrastructure over to foreign hands. It was not pretty, and most of Koreans seem to be blissfully unaware of the true significance of the event. In spite of their desperate gold donations, it was as if it were happening to a third-world country that is not theirs. It was an empty significance bought with a cheap sell-off of a country, and there’s still nothing to show, except a magnified mediocrity of life that Koreans themselves have to carry on their shoulders. Adam Smith might have been proud for finally opening up Korea for his market principle, but that came at the cost of skipping too many steps, at an eager, profit-driven hands of international monkey fund. You’d think the sapient Santayanan call on the city gates would be loud enough to be heard, but irony has had a long history in human affairs, especially in Korea, with exquisite twists. You think 1905 Eulsa treaty was bad? Clearly, it was a leadership failure pronounced over a background of over-reaching for a corporate significance — even Ye Wan-yong (the last Prime Minister of the Korean Empire) considered himself a high patriot — and it was no different in 1997. You could practically transpose the same characters out of the history books and place them anachronistically and still have the same, boring narrative, although it verges on an Oedipal tragedy many times over for a Korean who hasn’t been zombified through a silent, hysteric lobotomy. It’s a profound mystery of a human soul considering why those responsible haven’t gouged out their eyes out yet. Maybe, it’s a post-generational front-loading of guilty they were after. How convenient, and so effective!

The vanity of vanities whispered through the mouth of a serpent was, “you will be like G-d.” But מייקל (who is like God)! The desire for self-significance comes at the very reflection of who השם (the Name) is. The matchless, the incomparable, the one and only, the perfect, the eternal, and the attributes goes on. Plato’s abstract form is a sheer blasphemy, but the immutable attributes can, in an adjectival way, be described as such for our little minds. Isn’t it enough to be an imago dei? What more significance can he possibly achieve beyond that? That was the very reason for the fall — what may have truly inspired Milton, though he seems to obsess over the demonic fall more. We were created for other-significance, and that other being the creator himself, rather than self-significance. What is the chief end of a man? One needs not even touch a codified, catechistic words before coming to experience the sheer joy of helping others, which is a mere, experiential hint. It’s also mind-boggling the complexities through which our hearts are prone to grab the fruit while framing it as other-significance. Let’s not forget that Adam was also an accomplice. Noahic description of human heart was very telling. Nothing has changed. In the context of Korean history and the state of affairs today, it is an eulogy.

It was a hammer crashing down on an anvil of history. I personally hope to be disproved by time itself, however, as things stand right now, it seems to be another end to a short-lived dynasty. Yi dynasty at least has the bragging rights, but this dynasty without a monarch will go down in history as a mere blip, probably titled below as a footnote in a textbook on economy: “The Miracle of Han River.” Despite all of the marketing and PR efforts by the Korean government and affiliates, most of world’s attention is now on the awakened, giant dragon. The dragon swooped down on whatever was left of the Saemaeul Undong (New Village movement) on the small cheek of its butt, and farted. The light show going on under the banner of k-pop and other things prefixed by k was once enjoyed by Japan for a short time. The keyword here is “short.” Just as quickly as the speed of disappearing Danish pastries in a company breakroom, the consumers consume and they will just move on. It was personally a heart-wrenching experience to hear the significance of Korea come to fore with a blast of Psy’s Gangnam Style from the FM radio in the U.S. Lyrics are embarrassing to say the least. Sure, many of my Korean friends had enjoyed American music without knowing the lyrics, but I’m not sure if they’ll nominate Michael Jackson’s Beat It for a national Intangible Cultural Asset, or whether such things have a lasting value to withstand the weight of centuries. We have a gamut of personalities stating that Psy was a patriot. Did I mention that Greek actors were mostly philosophers? Sure, Psy can be a pop philosopher in the school of New Sophists — the school of self-significance. He’s successful, all right, for himself — and he’s a hero for it. Latest glitzy act from him was a song filled with thinly disguised profanities. Last I heard of what Korean elementary school children want to be when they grow up, they all wrote, “Rich” — not one dissident was found in that anecdotal example. The latest batch of over-educated kids from Korea have been full of disdain, echoing the sentiment of Hell Joseon, and the importance of their identity as Korean is as far removed as sinking Micronesian Islands are from the consciousness of the dazed teens playing PUBG.

What’s really going on here? How did we get to this place? TL;DR answer is the pursuit of self-significance at a fundamental level, but one of the more important symptoms is the way of the very fabric of any society. The new value system intently and silently imposed on the Korean people was not a Biblical one for sure. But, utterly, worldly. I’m not sure if G-d in mind the GDP, the cost of living, and the educational cost when he said, “be fruitful and multiply.” Did he have cheap imitation of equality in mind when he created woman as a divine helper for man? Maybe Adam should have thought long and deep before he exclaimed, “Bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh,” but he couldn’t have known all the divorces that his sons and daughters would commit. The same drive that drove Eve to “be like God” and pick the forbidden fruit is the drive that is driving so many to waste their lives on pursuit of empty self-significance. Educators’ mantra, of course, is “education will improve people’s lives,” and what Confucianism has taught Korea for millennia wasn’t lost. Sure, the kids from Korea compete at the world-class level, but they are without chests. More a Korean family invests in kids’ education, the less they teach these kids at home. Kids learn nothing, and these kids trail right behind me in age. I usually have more fun talking to a grandpa reciting from his memory the Korean War and events related to that, than an over-educated, post-doc Korean kid who’s lived in a closed world of academia, and online games. He knows just enough social etiquette to get by, but again, I barely sense a heart that’s withered down to a nub. I once expected to connect with an adult, not aroused with a sympathy over a dwindling weight of a barely-human without a chest. So many Korean American families I’ve seen aren’t much of a family, but a machinery fit for a modern factory. Kids are expected to study and go to a good college and put their two feet on the ground as a financially successful member of the family. Parents toil day in and day out trying to make ends meet while enjoying social pleasantries at a local church or with golf buddies. Individuals living out their lives to achieve some means of self-significance, all with the banner of humble, normal family. There’s nothing normal about this modern snapshot of a Korean American family. White American families at least still share in some family tradition that may have trickled down from the days when everyone attended church, so, unbeknownst to themselves, the family culture still has a thick milieu of Christianity rubbed in many of its walls. Koreans, on the other hand, were passed down with a cultural milieu so robust and hermetic that it pervades in every word they speak. It actually goes much deeper than just labeling it Confucianism, and he wasn’t even Korean. The utter, this-worldly mindset that has pervaded most of Asia for millennia is still evident in Lexus-filled parking lot of so many Korean American churches. They aren’t teaching kids Christian values for sure. What little sense of Korean identity they have, they make it up by bringing kids to a Korean church bubble. I don’t think they do that anymore nowadays, but at least that’s what they used to, believing that somehow getting English-speaking Korean kids together helps to develop their Korean-ness — all that without teaching neither the language nor the history. Or maybe they believed that their kids wouldn’t have sex and have kids in high school like white kids do if they were churched this way. Whatever the reason, one thing became clear to me in my three decades of dealing with Korean American kids — Korean families don’t teach kids anything while they invest heavily in their education. It’s probably an exaggeration, but I think I still stand by it. I have heard enough lip service about Korean communities valuing the education of their children. It’s all a lie. It’s about valuing the significance of their organization, church, or whatever. If Josh Kim goes to Harvard, more kudos to the church, or the family, or whatever tickles their face. Don’t misunderstand. I have many friends who are worldly successful–even a Harvard professor at that — and are great human beings at the same time, but sadly, I have seen one too many families where it’s all about worldly success while claiming to be Christians. Eve was, after all, perfect, when she reached out for her self-significance, but Koreans have no time for that. Even Christian shepherds give undeserved encouragement by telling them they have to shine in the world by becoming the head and not the tail — without enough warning about this vicious pursuit for self-significance, the very tempting words of Satan himself. They have damaged themselves enough. Wake up to the fact that worldly significance is for those in the gutters, or risk the true insignificance before the Creator himself.

Our deepest need

We had a deaf person join keiko (kendo practice session) today. He had dropped by to talk to the sensei near the end of the last year, and as he had promised, he started on the very first Wednesday keiko with us. With what little ASL I knew, I tried to communicate in a very basic way. He was very appreciative that I was at least attempting to sign his language. “I (am) nice (to) meet you.” My feeble attempt was with some boldness, and “I (am) nice (to) do kendo meet you” was done with a slight embarrassment at the fact that I was too slow to read his sign to me. I only caught his thanks, and merely bowed reverently as a response. I couldn’t remember the sign for “glad,” but he seemed to have gotten the message anyway. I was glad that he appreciated, and also that he understood me. We connected, albeit awkwardly, and it was satisfying.

What we often take for granted is this very basic need to connect with others. Obviously, connecting with others means that you understand and they understand you, but I goof up more often than I’d like to assume about myself. I excel at diving in when the other has yet to finish his sentence. I excel at believing myself to be a superhuman with a telepathic ability, so I’m amazingly quick at knowing what the other person thinks before he has even formed his mind or even utter a single word from it. There was more than one meeting after which I felt a form of remorse over what I had done, and in spite of such profound grief, it’s a hard habit to shatter. Over the years, I’ve learned that a humble heart is awfully needed to be any good at this game, and though hard to admit, and even often feel it to the bones, it’s something I probably lack. I’m too self-occupied with glorious thoughts that exalts themselves over and above all other possible thoughts in this universe. This at an expense of an appetite that is kept at bay from being satisfying. An appetite to connect more deeply with others. Whatever it is, it’s probably already dead by now, or has turned into a monstrous zombie with an appetite for human flesh.

There seems to be a type of innate fear, or an acute sense of mistrust, when I’m in a dialogue with a person. It’s usually a reciprocating mistrust of assuming the other person does not have my best interest in mind, or it’s more likely an unconscious assumption that the other person is as selfish as me. Sadly, I resort to Pavlov and assume the dignity of a dog to mention that I’ve been conditioned to assume this more often when a person I’m speaking to is an older male figure. And that usually means a person of authority. Should I invoke Freudian or Jungian theories at this point? And try to find correlating experiences of my childhood? It’s also probably warranted, knowing the obvious, but I decline to reaffirm the infirmities of a broken family life, as it usually is greeted with all-too-familiar taciturn nod of acknowledgment. For so many of us, life is a series of heart-breaking narratives, most sliding down on a declining slope. I just don’t know what to do. It’s like an automatic gearbox in my emotional nerve system, once past certain speed, it automatically goes into a modus operandi of mistrust. Mistrust begets mistrust, and the cycle of mediocre relationship continues. But, I can’t stop trying.

It’s been so many years ago, I don’t remember when it was exactly, but my wife answered the call and was left in a small shock. A friend who had graduated from the same Bible school had come out of the closet. He was kind enough to make a phone call to us and let us know. I guess it was a turning point in his life. He was more of a friend to my wife, but I knew of his existence and even met him with my wife in two different occasions. He was a handsome, blonde guy with an intelligence that far exceeds any average smart person. He had a knack of acquiring any language, including ASL in an amazingly short amount of time. He was conversant in Korean only after few months of studying it himself with a helper. I think he also taught himself Japanese and went to Japan to teach English. Most of English teachers I know who go to either Japan or Korea take years to learn those languages. He seems to just eat them up like sweet, little cheesecakes. Anyway, intelligence aside, why such lifestyle? I knew he was traveling around the world a lot for his work — so much so in fact that he said that he sometimes didn’t know where he was, and he was sick of sightseeing new places at one point. I don’t want to assume too much, but seeing some of my own friends, approaching a mid-life stage as an unmarried person seems to have a type of unsettling effect on a person. As far as I know, he seemed to be a Christian when he was younger, but life seems to have changed him. How? I really don’t know. But could it be the same human need? The need for a deep relationship. A need to connect with another human being at more than a superficial level. I remember reading about my own personality type many years ago, and it spoke of a great hunger to connect at such a profound level that other personality types often freak out. This, I can relate to.

It may or may not have anything to do with our friend’s decision, but it’s that very hunger that drives so many to despair or ecstasy of life. The intuitive feeling one has of this relational destination is that of an ideal spiritual union. It’s as if you want even the pulse of your own thoughts and heartbeats to be shared with the other. If you want to label it a hackneyed Platonic relationship, so be it. It can be quite overwhelming from a receiving end, especially if the other is clueless about the personality that is desiring this. I heard someone try to simply label it as a puppy love, or even a romantic love stage, described in neurobiological framework where a surge of dopamine is deemed culprit. A dopey teen love isn’t exactly where I’m going with this, but I admit that similar chemical reactions may be happening when hormones are pumping in our bodies. However, I hope it’s a common, intuitive human need that we can all relate to. I’d like to simply phrase it as an innate need to connect with another human being at a much deeper level. Even God acknowledged it when He said, “It isn’t good for a man to be alone,” and then proceeded to create the first woman, as a helper to the first-created person, namely, the first man. She was and, figuratively, still is biologically, psychologically, and spiritually compatible to another man. But, in this day and age of toxicity in the guise of tolerance, pluralism and human rights, we ourselves have made enemies out of ourselves by abandoning this multidimensional compatibility for a cheap, one-dimensional, superficial equality. When everything is interpreted in a wild-wild-west that is the Freudian sexual framework, the courtship is now reinterpreted as sexual advances, and the innate desire for a man to lead in a courtship is now labeled as being chauvinistic, or even worse, patriarchal — when did that word even become a derogatory term anyway? Don’t let me guess whether the chicken or the egg came first, but men in our society also have lost the moral leadership. It’s not too hard to spot hyenas laughing their heads off over their latest steal or over-the-hill guy spewing mysogynistic words in this wild-wild-west society. I dare not to offset the onus of responsibility for sins we commit, but for the same reason we allow some leeway for thieves stealing to feed their poor families, I’d prefer to understand first, as a same, fallible human being, but still loath the sin. We’re all flawed human beings, so this hunger, left unchecked, can be very dangerous. And it’s that dangerous because it’s like a river — it can kill when it overtops its banks. God made those banks there for a sustainable life.

So, what’s with this undercurrent of insatiable need inside of us? Is God pulling some type of joke on us? Was He mad? I think the answer is pretty simple. That was installed there to drive us to God. I’m merely echoing the writings in Pansee by Pascal here, but allow me to continue to simply speak from my own experience. I know so, because I’ve been married for over 20 years, and although I’d like to say more flowery things about marriage, the truth is that your spouse ain’t the destination of this channel. If you aren’t careful, and you’re still a foolish teenager, you’ll seek out another person, thereby making fool of yourself and many a lifetime victim of your foolishness. This drive wasn’t put in for another human being, but it was intended for a relationship with the Person, whom all the other persons that ever walked on the face of this green earth were created to take after. It’s no wonder why it’s so easy to have our eyes earth-bound. It’s merely easier to spot a cheap imitation. It required a special revelation through many special persons to let us know that it’s Him, our Creator, that our hearts have been seeking all this time. The closest thing is probably like a reconciling with your father who has been alienated for so many years. Our earthly fathers are full of holes, but He isn’t. He is reliable, trustworthy, and so powerful and almighty, that even a nuclear bomb wouldn’t be able to defeat him. He can flatten Mt. Everest in a blink of an eye if He wanted to. You can continue to read what he’s capable of in the Bible, starting with the book of Genesis, chapter 1. The point is, we can have an intensely, close personal relationship with this living God, the Father. So, why is it so hard to approach him? Have you spoken to him lately? Bible says that although He hates sin and wouldn’t have anything to do with it — not even come close to it — He promises to be very close to a person who admits his fault, and cries over his wrongdoings. This is the very reason why He sent His own Son to die in place of us, because we deserved to die for our sins. The moment that I had experienced that as a 14 year-old was the moment that I knew my life has been fulfilled.  The emotion was what C.S. Lewis had described as being surprised by joy, an overflowing joy at that.

So, there. Sin, Jesus Christ, and God, have everything to do with this built-in, nagging sense of connectivity installed in us. It’s the answer as revealed by God himself through the Bible, and the choice is yours to accept it. Henri Nouwen, a very thoughtful priest, once warned against neglecting your local church. Don’t get me started with all the flaws of a church. I’m still struggling in there, with a spiritual ulcer to bust me out of it at any day, but as Nouwen had stated, you want to be listening to the church, because the Lord of the church still speaks through it in spite of all of its glorious flaws. As long as you know where this river is headed, don’t get your expectation too high for other flawed humans being like you at your local church. Love them just enough to gasp at you — with no expectation of returned favor. Remember, God loved us first.

Identifying with Christ

First World problems, dealt in a First World way – via a WP blog. I hope this doesn’t turn out to be just another tirade, but a thoughtful reflection while letting go of another vexing thought.

It seems I have a unique skill of finding myself as an outsider. As of 2019, I live in a State where Asians make up only 1.7% of the total population. My family were at a nearly all-white, conservative church for nearly 6 years, and my wife did not have anyone who really wanted to get to know her. Looking back, it was probably a simple problem of her name. For an average American it’s something hard to remember and pronounce. It’s something akin to “Eu-eong.” Frankly, I think church members were afraid of mispronouncing her name or asking her name N-th time again, so, the best thing they decided to do was simply not approach her. Of course, there was one brave, blonde lady in the congregation, who approached my wife without fear and dared to ask her to pronounce her name many times over. She quickly became my wife’s friend, but sadly, she had to leave to another state only after about a year of knowing my wife due to some family issues. In this area, I sometimes find people who’ve never talked or worked with an Asian person before. At the workplace, a new IT director, I helped to hire because he was native to this area – I thought it’d be better for the company – came onboard offending not just every non-white person, but everyone in the development team by announcing, “I’m going to build an American software,” as if somehow the existing systems were all built by non-Americans. The subtle games he’s been playing from the beginning has been enough to cause me a serious ulcer, but decided to let go it for my own mental health sake. Mind you, he’s probably the best director we’ve ever had, and I force myself to think best of intentions for him, but what an insular, (bleep) of a town.

Once, when I was in Chicacgo, it was at a church where key decision-makers were all related somehow as relatives in a large family. Of course, they didn’t make it apparent and having practically a no ear for gossips and rumors and working only with the youth members of the church, I had no idea for many years of serving there. It was a medium-sized church of about 100 or so members. The senior pastor was a proud graduate of Calvin Theological Seminary, and simply forced me to teach Westminster Confession of Faith after about a year of serving. It was good that he provided the curriculi, albeit many decades old. When you’re a youth pastor, you have very little choice but to follow the senior pastor who is supposed to set direction of the educational ministry at the church in spite of the fact that youth members started to resist and yawn. Yes, there’s a possibility that the growth to that point wasn’t really a growth that the senior pastor wanted to see, since more kids were coming to church compared to adults, and it had more to do with my own preaching and the dedicated worship team I discipled every Saturday. Then, the senior pastor started showing sharp attitude with me, although he’s usually a nice person, especially during staff meetings. It started to be more salient when I tried to have an open dialogue with the pastor about a troublesome teacher (who happened to be a son of an older church member), and then about how I dealt with a sexually promiscuous youth leader. I removed her from leadership without stating a concrete reason, and the pastor, who was annoyed with a constant pestering of a church lay leader who also happened to be the grandmother of the girl I had removed from the leadership, simply decided to accuse me of inexplicably ruining her life. If she had shown even just a little bit of remorse, or repentance, I don’t think I would’ve been so cut and dry about my decision, but she was adamant about her inappropriate behavior. What was apparent was the typical Korean grandparents’ response of “protecting my precious granddaughter,” not from sexually promiscuous culture, but from an aggressive youth pastor who is out to ruin her life by exposing her sin. I didn’t. My conscience couldn’t allow my own youth ministry leader to continue in sin while pretending herself that everything was okay. I told her not to come to Saturday leadership meetings anymore and that she was off of the praise team temporarily. I gave her time to reflect and repent of her sinful behavior. However, it was her who simply stopped coming to church and put herself in a teary mode for many days as if her life was about to end. I guess I overestimated a teenager’s maturity in this regard. In midst of this turmoil of human drama, the senior pastor had the guts to, in a calculated manner, state a proposal to financial help an young adult member of the church who was about to enter a seminary. He, of course, had to throw a statement about how it’d be easier to help this new guy if he was a youth pastor, but since I was already one, the church would have to find an alternative way. This was in a context of my own life, which also was on a struggle with financial hardship, trying to finish seminary, working full-time, three children, and a youth ministry on top of all that. The church merely provided a very tiny stipend every month, which was all used up on the youth ministry with no reimbursements. At that point, I decided to leave the church as he wished. Soon after, it was obvious from the Facebook posting of youth members, the younger guy took over the youth ministry. That younger guy was a son of the founding Elder of that church.

Then rushing to the present, I find myself at a Korean Methodist church. And long and behold, here comes a newcomer who also happens to be a graduate of the same Korean seminary that the pastor had attended. The support, of course, is channeled to her, with a more push for a change from the pastor that I’ve ever seen in last 3 years of being here. I really don’t have a problem with this oncoming pastor being supported by church. It’s good that we support someone more educated, and more dedicated, to be used for the body of Christ. However, the label “Baptist” started to precede the title of jundosa (a term for pastor trainee in Korean churches) for me as if I do not belong to this pastor’s Methodist church. He states it ever so more clearly and emphatically when people are around as if he’s stating something novel and interesting. Yes, I’ve gone to schools that more closely align themselves with Baptist theology, but I’ve never actually served at a Baptist church but for just first two year of being a jundosa 24 years ago. None of the schools, nor the churches I’ve attended since then ever claimed any direct Baptist affiliation whatsoever. Does a Baptist have a personal preference for liturgical worship? Does a Baptist pray in tongues, or sometimes pray with κομποσκοίνι? These are personal preferences, of course, but I guess it was because I had once told him that the schools I had attended had closer alignments to what Baptist teaches. As for the timing of him labeing me as such can only be idiotic unless he wants to make me feel more alienated than I already am. Regardless, it’s only natural thing for a person, especially for that of a Korean person, to show more favor to someone who is younger and originating from the same hometown or same school. I haven’t forgotten how, in spite of people today voicing opinions against oligarchy, they themselves tend towards one simply out of their own proclivities. After all, it’s a Methodist pastor helping another Methodist pastor — what could possibly be wrong with that? I know I’m just not Methodist enough, but why is this pastor trying to make me feel more alienated than I already am? I’m surrounded by first-generation Korean immigrants, with no like-minded peers. The little that we have in the same age-group are either preoccupied with accumulating wealth for a more comfortable life here, to prepare their old age, and there is very little else. The precious, little spare time they have is for themselves, not for any service for the greater purpose outside of their couches. I’m just doing my best to serve the body of Christ, and if that turns out to serve the denomination, fine, but my heart is for feeding the body of Christ, not some specific denomination. Are all Methodists this proud of being Methodists? Whatever happened to being a mere Christian? A mere Christ-follower? Why so proud of schools they’ve graduated? It may have made sense up until 1940s, but Harvard, Princeton, and other Ivy-League schools are no longer schools you go to learn the Bible properly, but in certain denominations pastors proudly carry those school logo as if it means something in the kingdom of God. They have indeed worked hard to gain worldly credence in a world of lost public confidence for church leaderships, however, one has to ask at what cost have these pastors done so? If it happens to have a worldly label, fine, that can be put aside as a none issue, but why are these leaders of church, while preaching love, love, love, ad infinitum, so unloving towards someone like me who has no honorary title, wealth, power, or influence? Maybe, they simply aren’t listening, or they’re just repeating the treatment they had received as ex-jundosas themselves — is “treat your jundosas like shit” one of the bullet points posted in a repository of best-practice manual for Korean pastors? Giving credit to where credit is due, the Methodist pastor is the least tyrannical of pastors I’ve served with. Irony of ironies, instead of churches, the collective body of Christ, reflecting the character of my Lord and my Savior, I find myself wishing to stay away this religiously proud corpus of so human of institution. In spite of such overpowering sentiment, I take heed of Nouwen’s advice to be listening to the church, thereby listening to the Lord of the church.

Jesus came to his own people as a Jew, and to many, a poor rabbi at that. Actually, he bore no worldly, honorary official title whatsoever. People simply called him by his first name as was the custom of the day: “Jesus of Nazareth.” Jesus of the Trash Dump, the commonly known slogan of Nazareth at the time. Yet, his own people went to the point of crucifying him on the cross, and here I am complaining about my first world problem of having my own boat shaken up a bit and hurt feelings. But I had to get that out of my chest, else, I’ll keep digging up more stories while connecting the dots and become embittered about all of these. My tooth is getting too long to keep pushing people away without long-term consequences. For these reasons and more, I find much solace in Jesus’ answer to Pilate: “My kingdom is not of this world.” (John 18:36). Truly, this world isn’t my home, but I’m just passing through. My reward isn’t some tiny stipend from church or a denomination of this world, or some honorary title, or anything material, but only my Lord Jesus Christ, my Jesus of Trash Dump. He will be my only prize, and my reward. As for the turmoils of this luxurious U.S. life, I really don’t think it’d be much different when I leave this country for a missiological life once kids are out of school, but preparation, and this journey never stops.

Interesting trends in Christianity over many decades

Those who have torn the authority of the Scripture to shreds by denying the validity of the very first book, or relegating it to the level of an ancient myth, eventually get bored with the rest of the Bible and move onto developing a much more secular taste. Christian organizations that had a liberal slant in previous generation seem to be turning much more conservative these days, and it shouldn’t surprise anyone that churches that have finally achieved the secular goal of some non-Biblical ideology and successfully stomped on the Word of God are closing their doors at a very fast rate. It’s really as simple as an organic maturation process, or as simple as reaping what you sow. Those who damn themselves to hell while boasting about their superior knowledge of the Scripture in their hands deserve no pity, except that of the atonement through the Christ’s blood. Only thing that trumps over the Babelistic pride is the Word.

Good display in front of men

Seneca (Epistles 1-65): Why do I not rather seek some real good – one which I could feel, not one which I could display?

Because there is no recognition from men. They sometimes go as far as despising you for it, and no one likes the pain of living through such suffering. And you also don’t hear from the only Being cognizant of the good ’til the last day.

이것만은 신앙과 무관해하는 사람

Among fellow Christians, the most feared person ought to be a person who says, “I’ll follow the Word of God in all these matters except for this one thing,” because there is a greater prerogative than God Himself that he’s willing to apply. He’s a stumbling block to what God wills to do in the world if he hasn’t surrendered all areas of his life, including his will, to God.
 
기독교인들중 다 말씀대로 하겠지만 이것 하나만큼은 아니다 하는 사람이 제일 무서운 사람이다. 하나님보다 더 큰 특권의 영역을 적용하는 사람이기 때문이다. 자신의 의지와 함께 삶의 모든 영역에서 하나님께 항복되지 않은 사람은 하나님이 세상을 향해 하시고자 하는 뜻에 걸림돌이 되는 사람이다.

The Sad State of Korean American Churches

23년전 부터 한인교회 중고등부 전도사로 일하며 제일 기억나는 톱 7.

  • 목사A 가 주는 메시지: “자기 자식은 공부와 대학 입학을 위한 자원봉사등의 준비에 집중해야 하기 때문에 보통 있는 중고등부 행사에는 참여를 못한다.”  두 자녀 고등학교 9학년부터 시작해 4년동안 주일만 빼고 다른 모임에는 눈코도 안보였다. 무슨 공부를 훨씬 더 잘해서 이름 난 학교에 들어간것도 아니었다.
  • 목사B 가 주는 메시지: “교회를 오래 섬겼던 장로의 아들이 신학교를 다니고 있고 직접적으로 말은 못하겠지만 장로의 아들을 교회에서 더 적극 지원하겠으나 너 같이 더 도움이 필요한 전도사는 그냥 모른체 하고 이해해 주시기를 바람. 떠나주면 얼씨구나 더 좋지, 장로 아들이 중고등부를 섬기고 그 이유 삼아 돈을 그에게 줄 수 있으니까.” 떠나주니 곧 바로 장로가 원하던데로 근대한 식과 함께 장로의 아들이 전도사로 임명된다.
  • 학부모라는 사람들이 하는 말들: “왜 부모가 일에 시달려 힘들어하는 가정의 아이들을 픽업나가서 교회에 대리고 오느냐? 내가 직접 대리고 온 아이들에게 신경을 더 써달라. 이왕이면 부모가 교회에 대려오지 않으면 그냥 픽업을 나가지 말라. 부모가 대리고 오는 아이들에게만 신경을 써달라.”
  • 권사A 왈: 너가 무엇인데 감히 권사의 손녀딸이 성적으로 물란한 것에 회계하라고 중고등부 지도권에서 임시로 탈퇴를 시키냐?  손녀가 죄를 짓던 말던 너 같은 전도사 주재에 무슨 상관이냐?  그 아이의 죄를 공개하는 것아니냐?  미래 아이의 시집을 망칠 생각이냐? (아이의 죄를 공개한 적은 없음)
    • 권사에게 화풀이를 듣고 목사가 와서 하는 말: 일부러 공개할려는 것이 의도가 아니었느냐?  (헐…)
  • 나이드신 목사C 가 한 말: “요즈음 남자들은 다 포르노를 보면서 자란다. 그것이 이상한 것이 아니다. 자꾸 죄책감을 주고 잘못된 것이라고 가르치지 말라. 그런식으로 교육하는 것 아니다.” (헐~~)
  • 헌금을 재일 많이 내는 성도의 말이 조용한 절대권위를 누린다.  그 사람의 말이나 의견이라면 교회 지도층은 쩔쩔매고 끌려다닌다.
  • 몇명 안되는 미국 (보통 한인 남편들) 교인이 있으면 그들의 말은 보통 한인교인들의 의견보다 더 특별한 우대를 받는다.

지상성공주의, 물질주의, 내로남불, 죄는 죄라고 부르지 말기 운동, 모든 것을 다 긍정적으로만 말하고 죄는 눈감아주기 운동, 교회에서 성경을 가르치고 성경대로 살라고 가르치는 것이 아니라 그냥 어떤 부락 정신으로 단체유지하기와 우리가족이나 잘되자 하는 것이 주 목적인 교회가 판이하다.

 

Top 7 of what I remember as a youth pastor who had started 23 years ago in Korean American churches

  • A message coming across from Pastor A: “My children have to focus on their studies and getting prepared to go to college, so they won’t be participating in most of youth group events.” Two of his children never showed up for any other meeting during weekdays (Fridays, or Saturday special meetings) or special events, save Sunday service for all 4 years of high school.  Did they go to some Ivy League school and got excellent grades?  No.
  • A message coming across from Pastor B: “One of the sons of a long-time elder at the church is now attending a seminary, and even though I can’t say it to you explicitly, the church will be supporting him more willingly, so even though you have needs for more support of the church please zip your mouth and understand the situation.  It’d be of course much better if you left, since we can put him as youth pastor and have a better rationale to give money to him.”  After I leave, they throw a big party of ceremony of his appointment and then elder’s son is appointed the next youth pastor just as the elder had wished.
  • Parents saying this: “Why are you picking up kids from families that have hardships and bringing them to church?  Please focus more on our own children. If parents don’t bring them to church, don’t pick them up all together. Please focus on children whose parents come to the church only.”
  • Exhorter A says, “Who do you think you are to discipline my daughter who has been sexually promiscuous by having her taken out from the leadership of the youth group? What does it matter to you, a mere youth pastor, whether she commits a sin or not?  Aren’t you trying to publicize her sin?  Are you trying to ruin her future?”  (I’ve never publicly revealed her sin)
    • After hearing an angry rhetoric from Exhorter A, the pastor comes and says: “Weren’t you trying to reveal what she had done wrong?”  (WTH…)
  • an aged pastor C says: “Guys these days all watch porn as they grow. That isn’t something strange. Don’t try to make them feel guilty and don’t say it’s a wrong thing to do.  You don’t educate boys that way.”  (WTH…)
  • Whoever gives the most offering usually enjoys a quiet, but absolute authority in the church.  His or her words and opinions always have the ears of the leadership of the church.
  • If there are few white, American members of the church (who are often husbands of Korean women) their opinions are somehow treated with a special preference compared to regular Korean American members of the church.

The objective of worldly success, material success, hypocritical practices, or the movement of calling sin something else, or the movement of saying everything that feels good and positive and winking at sin have become commonplace. Churches that are about teaching the Bible and trying hard to live according to the Biblical worldview seem no longer in existence among Korean Americans.  So many Korean American churches operate around a tribal mindset to merely be sustainable, and just trying to gain multidimensional benefits for one’s own family, but very little else.

What not to do as a new IT director

  1. Devalue existing employees
    1. by promoting someone that do not deserve promotions
    2. by putting forth product ideas that do not consider products already in use
    3. by hearing out all other inputs except the existing team directly reporting
  2. Promote a new product that “I” will be making
    1. with no due consideration of existing products because they are inferior to whatever product that “I” am going to be introducing
  3. Have existing developers resign or make exits through the means of attrition
    1. by giving all new, significant responsibilities to newer crew
    2. by reinforcing a false idea to the upper echelon of (IT) ignorant management that existing developers are incapable, and somehow out-of-date
    3. by continually reinforcing a message that someone new and better will be hired that will do the job better
    4. by continuing to hold meaningless weekly meetings that shut down all meaningful and creative inputs by repeatedly telling people that new, and more capable person will come in

旅情

사람은 홀로 이 세상에 태어나

외로운 인생이란 전쟁터에서 싸우다

쓸쓸히 홀로 떠나게 된다.

가까이 하여 마음 깊이 대화를

나눌 수 있는 사람이란

이상의 공간에서 존재하는 법.

인생이란 외로움 그 자체.

 

A man is born into the world alone

Fights the battles of life alone

And leaves this world by himself.

A close person that you can talk

about the deepest matters of the heart

only exists in a plane of ideals.

Life is but a lonely comma.

銀産分離 (은산분리)

“문재인 대통령은 인터넷 은행 분야에서 대기업의 은행진출을 제한하는 이른바 은산분리 문제를 완화해야 한다고 말했습니다.”  – JTBC (circa 2018年 9月)

① 산업자본(기업)이 은행을 소유하지 못하다록 막아놓은 제도 산업자본은 4%까지만 은행지분 소유가능

평정심을 잃은 모습은 꼴보기 싫은 모습

지금은 새벽 2시.  한국에서 제17회 세계검도선수권대회가 이제 막 끝났다.  내일이 주일이기는 하지만 실시간으로 시청하기 위해 일부러 오후때 늦잠도 잤었다.  마지막으로 남자 단체전이 있었다. 매 대회마다 똑같이 일본, 한국, 미국, 대만 순으로 끝났다.  매 대회와 똑같이 한국은 일본을 이기겠노라하는 기세로 시합에 임했지만 매 대회와 똑같이 한국은 다시 지고 말았다. 그런데 이번에 마지막 한국 단체전의 경기 모습은 참으로 낯뜨거운 작면이 연출되었다. 세계가 보는 앞에서 한국 선수는 계속해서 드러눕고 한번도 아닌 세번씩이나 이런 저런 문제를 삼으며 나가서 시간벌이를 하고 머리수건까지 다시 매는 작면에 끝에 몇 초 안남은 시간 중 발에 태입을 다시 하겠다고 나가고… 2대 1로 지고 있었으나 마지막에 혹이라도 이길 수 있는 틈이 있기는 했지만 너무나도 구차한 행보였다. 다들 경악을 하는 건 물론이다. 그러면서 나름 한국팀이니까 누워서 침뱃기하지 않기위해 한국인으로서 그냥 무조건적으로 상대의 잘못만을 말하는 사람도 있었다.

아무튼, 여기서 볼 수 있듯이 우리의 마음속에서는 어떤 더 높은 기준이 있는 것이다.  상대가 아무리 치사하게 나와도 존심을 지키며 야비하거나 구차한 방법을 택하지 않는 모습.  누구든 다 원하는 모습이며 스스로에게도 원하는 모습이겠지만 혈투극의 극치에 도달할때는 이성을 유지하기가 힘든 것일까?  한국은 이길 수 있다란 가능성에 모든 것을 바치듯보였다. 벌써 실력으로 판가름이 난 상태인데도 불구하고 운좋게 이길 수 있는 가능성이 보이자 수단과 방법을 가리지 않고 이길려고 하는 모습. 평정심을 잃은 모습이다. 그리고 그건 사실 매우 추한 모습일 수 밖에 없다. 승리란 우상앞에 절하는 선수들. 물론 올림픽에서는 이기는 자에게만 월계관이 주어지지만 이런 시합에서는 이기면 그냥 타인에게 우쭐할 수 있는 권리같은 것이 주어지는 것 뿐.  검도의 목적이라도 들먹이는 것과는 상관 없는 것이다. 인격향상. 아무리 칼이 오고가는 중에서도 평정심을 유지하며 인격을 단련시키는 무도. 씁씁할 마음이다.  나 자신도 이기지 못하는데 어찌 남을 이길 수 있겠는가?  인간이라 어쩌겠는가. 하지만 한 국가를 대표하고 최고를 상징하는 선수들이 더 좋은 모습을 보여줬으면 하는 바램은 어쩔 수 없나보다.

쉬운 것이 과소 평가되서는 안됩니다

Easy is not to be underestimated. Easy taps the pool of talent and ideas out there that were turned off by hard.

쉬운 것이 과소 평가되서는 안됩니다. 쉬운 것이 어려운 것으로 인해 귀도 기울이지 않게 했던 재능들과 아이디어들을 실용할 수 있게 합니다.

– Chris Anderson (크리스 안더슨)

Deception is worse

Oh, I see your intent,

but out of courtesy, we won’t speak of it.

We know to assume best intentions,

and that often means we wink at apparently bad intentions

because, after all, we are imperfect, you and I.

Yes, let’s be kind towards each other,

but, please, I plea, let’s not deceive ourselves, or each other,

because deception is worse,

and it pierces deeper than a spear.

항상 기뻐하라

너무나 많은 교회가 세상이 추구하고 있는 긍적적인 생각운동에 잡혀있다. 교회들이 말씀화하는데 있어 중심되는 구절은 데살로니가전서 5:16의 “항상 기뻐하라” 이다. 어떤 일을 단체적으로 추구하는데 있어서 불평이 많으면 장애물이 되는것은 사실이다 그리고 불필요한 불평은 사실 하지 않는 것이 좋은 것이다. 물론 믿음을 가진 자의 관점으로 참고 앞으로 나갈 수 있는 대인배같은 마음도 필요하다 그러나 하나님의 말씀과 무관한 사람들도 긍정적인 사고를 좋게 보고 있고 대기업에서는 이것을 종교처럼 가르쳐지고 있다. 그런데 교회에서도 같은 현상이 보인다.  사람들이 현실을 보고 화가나고 불편한 마음을 가지는 것은 인간이 당연히 느끼는 것들이다. 그런데 나름 어떤 단체적 더 큰 목적을 위해 사람들에게 항상 긍정적인 사고와 감정을 요구하는 것은 수준높은 인력 착취의 또 다른 형태일뿐이다. 세상과 같이 더 큰 긍정의 나팔을 교회에서 불기보다는 죄에 대해 눈물을 흘리고 회계하라는 나팔을 불러야 하지 않을까? 진정한 회계가 있는 곳에는 어떤 얕은 일을 하는데 필요한 인력보다 더 큰 일을 이룰 수 있는 능력이 보여지게 되있다. 하나님의 나라를 위해 하는 일은 인간의 얕은 지혜를 통해서가 아니라 성령의 능력으로 이루어져야 한다.

더 이상한 인간들

기분이 상하더라도

앞에서 있는 그대로를 이야기 해주는 사람보다

기분 상할까봐

다른 수법으로 접하는 인간이

더 이상한 인간인것같다.

제시하는 목적은 허위인데

마치 중심적인 것처럼 거짓을 말하면서

상대와 의논도 하지 않은체

상대의 머리위에서 서서

상대를 위하는 선행이라

믿고 있기 때문이다.

자신은 이성적인 사람인데

상대를 무슨 동물로 보는

쓰레기같은 下手로 생각된다.

그러면서 상대를 생각한다고

나름 생각하는 生物.

어느 사이에 세월에 다시 두둥실 (Afloat on a cloud of time)

세월에 흘러 다시 무디어져 간다.

그냥 나이가 들어서가 아니고

알뜻 모를뜻 마음이 해어져 있다는 느낌은 어쩔 수 없구나.

뱃살이 나오고

마음도 찌고

정신도 찌니

그럴 수 밖에.

칼로 베어내야, 무디어진 것을 잘라내야 정신이 차려지는 것이다.

세월의 흐름의 묻쳐 같이 두둥실 흘려가니 무디어지는 것.

절제와 검약을 다시 기본으로 삼고

지금부터 하나 둘씩 불필요한 것들은 다시 배어버리자.

 

 

The time floats to make dull once again.

Not just getting long in the tooth;

One can’t help but feel the fraying edges of the heart in subtle ways.

The belly sags,

but also the heart and mind,

so how could I not feel this way.

The invigorating of the mind comes from cutting away the dullness.

We become dull when we’re afloat on a cloud of time.

Get back to the basics of restraint and frugality,

and let us cut away the unnecessary wastes from our lives.

 

평생 버릇

어릴 적부터 받는데만 익숙한 사람은 주는데 인색하고

주는데 익숙한 사람은 받는 것을 부끄러워 한다.

예수께서 친히 말씀하신 바 주는 것이 받는 것보다 복이 있다 하심을 기억하여야 할지니라 (행 20:35)

영재의 배움의 특징

노뉴식 박사 曰

  1. 아무도 가르쳐주지 않는다.
  2. 자꾸 생각한다 (구 & 신 지식의 연결).
  3. 열정적 끈기가 있다 (밥도 안먹고 ___ 을 한다).
  • 전두엽이 발달한 사람
    • 다산 정약용 (1762-1836)
      • 공부법 (한 단어의 의미를 바로 알고 넘어가기)
    • 메타인지 학습법 (John Provil)
      • 생각하는 방법에 대한 생각 — 효율적인 생각
    • 임마뉴엘 칸트 (1724-1804)
      • 46세에 철학공부를 시작했다.
      • 칸트의 노트
        • 백색 간지를 사이에 넣어 제본
        • 행 사이를 넓게
        • 좌우 가장 자리도 많이 비움
        • 디테일한 정리
    • Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
      • 행동관리계획서
        • 시간, 인격, 버릇
          • 절제
          • 침묵
  • 공부를 못하는 사람은 공부를 해치운다.
    • 이것을 통해 무엇을 알려고 하는지 모른다.
  • 자신의 노트로 공부하라.
  • 전두엽의 실행기능
    • 계획하기
    • 조직화하기
    • 우선순위 정하기
    • 기억하기
    • 복습하기
    • 사고의 유연성
  • 공부 유형
    • 큰그림
      • 큰 그림은 빨리 이해를 하나 시험에 100점은 안나옴
      • 자신이 중요하지 않다라고 생각하면 보지 않음
      • 반복하기를 싫어함
    • 레고블럭
      • 앞 부분이 안되면 다음 부분으로 가지를 못함
      • 순서가 바뀌면 처음보는 것처럼 봄
    • 시각형
      • 페이지를 잘 기억함
    • 청각형
      • 말로 들은 것을 기억함

야채죽 만들기

  1. 다시마, 멸치, 버섯으로 육수를 낸다.
  2. 들기름을 넉넉히 쳐서 야채 (양파, 호박, 당근)을 올려 볶다가 30분 동안 뿔린 쌀을 넣고 투명해 질때까지 볶는다.
  3. 육수를 넣고 팔팔 끓여주고 약불에서 20분정도 더 끓이 다가 걸죽해지면 새우젓 (1/2 TSP) 을 넣는다.
  4. 김, 깨등을 솔솔 넣어준다.

직원 수양회의 오류

언제부터인지는 잘 기억이 나지는 않지만 회사에서 직원 수양회를 매년마다 시작하게 되었다. 첫 두해 정도 참석하고는 수양회가 시간 낭비라는 생각이 강하게 들기 시작했다. 이번에도 같은 것이라 생각하고 있는 나에게 조다단이 무슨 큰 변화에 대한 뉴스를 듣기위해서라도 참석해 달라는 것은 거짓말이었다.  주제들은 특권, 문화적 겸손등 근본적으로 어용과 관용을 최고 가치관으로 두는 주제들.  어떻게 보면 서로들의 차이점이라는 것을 다 무너뜨리기위한 노력이다. 영락없이 사업분야에서 판매율을 높이기 위해 소비자들과의 이해관계를 높이기 위해 오래동안 개발된 것들의 도입에 불과한 것들. 이런 가치관이 중요하다 생각되어 떠오르게 되는 것은 다들 소비자들의 정신을 가지고 오기 때문이다. 과반수의 준비하는 사람들이 여자들이며 소수민족이나 소수파의 억압이란 사상적 관점에서 세계관을 개발시키고 자신들의 사상을 팔고 있는 것이다. 어떻게 보면 자본주의 자연적 현상으로도 보겠지만 10억의 환자들을 위한 단체로 만들자는 목표을 주시하면 왜 이런 것들을 중심적으로 생각하고 있는 지 알수 있다.  이런 단체는 실패하게 되있다. 큰 목적을 두고서 어떻게 목적을 이루자는 주제가 아니라 어떻게 서로의 다른점을 부각시키면서 벽을 낮추자는 이상한 방법과 주제를 가지고 와서 서로 편안 한 공간을 만들자는데에 핵심적인 목적이있다. 혼자이면서도 편하지 못한 것이 인간이다. 더불어 같이 공유한다는 것은 더욱 힘든 것이다.  불편함을 기본으로 삼고 목적지향적인 사고로 앞으로 가는 것이 이 세상 모든 단체들의 기본적 성공비법이다.

그런데 지금 무슨 단체 문화 상의자를 도입해 이상한 짓거리만 한것이 4년째. 앞으로 발전할 수 있는 힘은 서로 서로 다른 점들을 다 평등화 시켜 다들 만족할 수 있는 공간을 만드는 과정에서 나오는 것이 아니라 개개인의 다른 점속에서 흘러나오는 강점들이 서로 서로 융합해 모여 앞으로 갈 수 있는 추진력이 되어 나가는 것이다. 개인적으로 봤을때는 자신이 중심적으로 강하게 가지고 있는 어떤 절대적인 믿음같은 곳에서 부터 힘든 것들을 극복하는 힘을 얻어 앞으로 갈 수 있는 것이다.  기독교적으로는 하나님의 은혜안에서의 자신의 현실 파악이며 절대적 믿음이며 그 안에서 만들어지는 능력이다. 지금의 분위기에서는 남의 감정이 상할까봐 말을 못하게 만드는 단체문화를 만들어 개개인의 강점이 숨겨져가게 되있다. 서로 맞지않아도 언성이 높아지고 모임이 험악한 분위기라도 할말을 하며 개개인의 강점이 나와서 그것이 용납되고 감정과 무관하게 융합될 수 있는 분위기가 조성되어야 하는데 지금 조성되는 분위기는 그냥 다들 서로 서로 조심해 주는 분위기로 흘러간다… 이런 병신같은 분위기에서 무슨 큰일을 이룰 수 있는 단체가 되겠는가?  그냥 이력서만 위대해 보이는 거짓 전문가들이 들어와 전에 기민히 만들어졌던 팀들을 다 붕괴시키고 자신들의 업적세우기에 전념하고 있는 상황.

거짓이 난무하고 있고 큰 돈을 준다고 하면 간도 빼주고 있는 상태이다. 4년째 계속 이런 골빠진 소리들만 늘어내면서 높은 자리에 있는 몇몇 사람들이 그냥 지내들 하고 싶은대로 모든 결정을 하고 있다. 그들에겐 어떤 근본이 되는 도덕적 이해란 빨리 붕괴될 수록 좋고 그럴수록 바른 말하는 사람들이 없고 세뇌교육을 통해 다들 자신이 가지고 있는 가치관을 질문하게 만드는 분위기로 조성한다. 그 전 10년의 발전에 비해 4년째 계속되는 지금의 변화는 무슨 실적으로 발전하는 것이 아니라 능력있는 몇몇 교부금 작가들의 작업으로 들어오는 수입으로 회사가 돌아가고 있다. 어떤 실적과 전혀 무관한 등치만 큰 마케팅 회사로 변해있다.

큰 돈이 한꺼번에 들어오면 일어나는 현상을 눈앞에서 보고 있다. 어떻게 보면 그들이 원하는 단체 문화가 이런 것이겠다 싶다.  자신들의 무능력에 입닥쳐줄 수 있는 사람들로 둘러싸여 있으면 자족할 수 있기 때문이다.  중심되고 중요한 결정과는 무관한 “단체 문화적 만들기” 에너지를 소모하게 하는 미치광이짓들을 하고 있는 것이다. 이런 것만 서로 의논하게 하면서 단체는 추진력을 잃어가며 이상짓만 하게 해서 낭비와 낭비의 고리를 만들어 나간다.  병든 기업화 만들기의 제일 큰 힘을 쓰고 있다. 지금부터 5년 안으로 자체적으로 맥이 빠져 붕괴 단계로 가 있을것이다.  내부적이든 외부적이든 이제 출구전략을 세워나가기 시작해야 겠다.

坑道 (갱도)

“북한이 폐쇄를 약속한 풍계리 핵실험장의 갱도들에서 전선 철거를 시작했다고 미국 CBS 방송이 보도했습니다”  – YTN – (2018年 5月 3日)

갱도 (坑道) 坑 구덩이 갱, 산등성이 강, 구들 항  道 길 도

① 땅 속에 뚫어 놓은 길

② 광산(鑛山)이나 탄광(炭鑛)의 갱 안에 뚫어 놓은 길. 사람들이 오가고 광석(鑛石)을 나르며 통풍(通風)ㆍ광석(鑛石) 조사(調査) 등(等)을 하는데에 이용(利用)됨. 수평갱ㆍ사갱(斜坑)ㆍ수직갱 따위가 있음

고려인 3세의 고백: 한국은 고향같아요

“Когда я приезжаю в Корею, я чувствую, что вернулся домой.” (한국을 방문하면 고향에 온 것 같아요.)

사할린 (Сахалин, Sakhalin) 한인 동포 3세.  한국어를 하지 못하고 러시아인으로 엔지니어 일을 하면서 살고 있으면서도 한국에 가면 고향에 온 것 같다고 한다.  집에서 먹는 것도 한국인과 같이 밥과 간단한 반찬으로 해결하며 살아가고 있는 사할린 고려인 3세.

나는 미국이란 타국에서 수십년동안 한인 2세들을 대하면서 세계 곳곳에 퍼져 있는 한인 후세들을 위해 내가 무엇인가 해야한다는 사명감 같은 것이 마음 중심에 깊은 우물과 같이 자리 잡아버렸다. 물방울 하나 하나 뚝뚝 떨어지듯이 진행되고 있는 일이지만 남은 여생 끝나기 전에 완성할려면 더 박차를 가해야하겠다는 생각이 든다.

臣僕 (신복)

“새로운 경영자도 대한항공 조 회장의 신복으로 밝혀졌습니다.”  – KBS News 9, (2018년 4월 24일)

신복 (臣僕) 신하 신, 종 복
[명사] [같은 말] 신하 (臣下) (임금을 섬기어 벼슬하는 사람).

尹東柱의 序詩 (原文)

序詩

죽는 날까지 하늘을 우르러
한점 부끄럼이 없기를、
잎새에 이는 바람에도
나는 괴로워했다。
별을 노래하는 마음으로
모든 죽어가는것을 사랑해야지
그리고 나안테 주어진 길을
거러가야겠다。

오늘밤에도 별이 바람에 스치운다。

尹東柱

桐千年老恒藏曲

桐千年老恒藏曲
梅一生寒不賣香
月到千虧餘本質
柳經百別又新枝

오동나무로 만든 악기는 천년을 묵어도 자기 곡조를 간직하고
매화는 일생을 추워도 그 향을 팔지 않는다
달은 천번을 이지러져도 본바탕은 변치않으며
버드나무 가지는 백번 꺾여도 새 가지가 돋아난다

申欽의 <野言> 中

安時: 2018年 3月 16日 (金)

행 21:17-36

바울은 예루살렘으로 돌아와 야고보와 다른 교인들을 만난다. 그들은 바울이 유대인의 법률을 버리라고 가르치고 있다는 소문을 알려주고 모세의 법률의 나온 나실인 서약을 권한다. 바울을 이를 따라 행하여 유대인으로서 지킬 것을 아직도 지키고 있다는 것으로 공개적으로 보여준다. 바울이 서약을 지키기위해 성전에 있는 동안 유대인들이 바울인것을 알아보고 에베소에서 대리고 온 일행중의 헬라인도 성전에 있는 줄 알고 다른 모든 유대인들도 선동시켜 바울을 잡아 끌어내어 때려 죽일려고 하자 이 소식이 지역구 행정 담당인에게 전해져 군인들을 대리고 바울을 잡아올려 했으나 군중들의 폭력으로 인해 담당인은 군인들로 인해 보호 받으며 돌아가고 군중들은 계속 바울을 쫓아내라고 소리질렀다.

바울은 율법을 버리라고 가르친 적이 없고 율법아래에 있지 않았던 이방인들이 그리스도를 영접할 때 율법으로가 아닌 하나님의 은혜로 구원을 받는다고 가르쳤던 것이다. 그러나 이것이 유대인들에게는 상당히 거슬리는 부분이었다. 이방인이 유대교에 들어오기 위해서는 할레를 받고 율법을 지키고 제사장에게 알리어 예식을 거치면 되는 것이었다. 그러나 이를 다 간과해 보이는 바울의 가르침은 회장이 없어진 예수를 통한 하나님의 은혜를 반영한 것이었다. 즉 예수를 통해 율법을 통해 하나님에게 가는 것이 아니라 예수의 보혈을 통해 하나님께 직접갈 수 있는 길이 열린 것이다. 그러나 율법의 전통과 무게가 어떤 것인지 바울은 잘 알고 있고 전에 예루살렘 공회의 결정도 존중해 알려야 한다는 것을 알고 있기에 바울은 30일동안 이루어지는 나실린 서약을 이행한다. 그러나 이행 중에도 유대인들은 군중을 선동시켜 폭력을 행사하여 바울이 다시 로마 행정관에게 잡혀 들어간다. 비록 수백명의 사람들이 예수님의 승천을 목격했지만 아직 까지도 많은 유대인들은 예수를 잡아 죽였던 때 처럼 하나님의 복음을 반대하고 있는것을 알 수 있다. 그래서 예루살렘교회는 아직까지도 유대인들의 전통에 민감한 반응을 보이는 것을 엿볼 수 있는 것. 이 처럼 사람의 버릇이나 오랫동안 행해 온것이 바뀌는 것이란 쉽지 않는 것이다. 주님, 나의 오래되고 하나님께서 기뻐하지 않으신 것들을 과감히 버리고 주의 뜻하시는 길로 인도하실 때 순종하게 하여주소서. 예수님의 이름으로 기도하옵나이다.

安時: 2018年 3月 14日 (水)

행 21:1-16

바울의 일행은 동쪽으로 가며 몇몇 도시에서 제자들의 집에 머물며 성령님의 인도하심을 따라 기다리거나 움직인다. 이때에 예언하는 자들과 선지자들이 있었으니 유대에서부터 선지자 아가보가 와서 말하기를 예루살렘의 유대인들이 바울을 묶여 이방인들에게 넘길 것이라 하고 예언을 한다. 주위 형제들이 바울에게 울며 가지 말라고 하나 바울은 예수님을 위해 죽을 각오로 예루살렘으로 가는 것이니 울지 말라고 한다.

예수님또한 자신의 사명을 위해 십자가 위에 죽음을 이야기했을때 사도들은 그리 안된다며 말리거나 슬퍼했었다. 바울의 삶에서도 비슷한 일이 일어나는 것을 볼 수 있다. 바울은 그리스도의 사랑이 원동력이 되어 자신의 사명을 다하기 위해 죽음을 각오하며 길을 나선다. 묶이기만 하는 것이 아니라 그리스도를 위해서는 기꺼이 죽기까지 하노라 하며 자신의 사명을 선언한다. 사실 태어나서 그리스도를 직접 만나보지도 못한 바울이다. 그러나 그는 그리스도의 사랑이 그 분의 은혜가 얼마나 크고 자신이 어떠한 용서를 받았는지 너무나 잘 알기 때문에 그는 그리스도를 위한다면 자기의 목숨까지도 아깝지 않았던 사명자였다. 하나님의 주신 하나의 용서에 그 분의 은혜에 모든 것을 다 던진 바울. 우리는 냉냉하고 썩어 없어질 여러가지의 세상것들에 매어 냉냉한 삶을 살고 있지는 않은지?

내가 네 행위를 아노니 네가 차지도 아니하고 뜨겁지도 아니하도다 네가 차든지 뜨겁든지 하기를 원하노라 네가 이같이 미지근하여 뜨겁지도 아니하고 차지도 아니하니 내 입에서 너를 토하여 버리리라. — 요한계시록 3:15-16